ahh, the british. i love them.

Currently Listening The Only Reason I Feel Secure By Pedro the Lion see related

valentine's anxiety

yesterday was valentine's day. i have, for a long time, disliked the materialism of this holiday.  at its very core, its heart we'll say, it is a day of beauty--a day dedicated to the recognition and appreciation of those you love, of love itself.  in theory, the world slows on this day, allowing everyone to realize the peace that exists in the security of one's friends, the acceptance of others that pierces through that fear that we are actually all alone.  that is what the day should be about, assuring your friends and family, those whom you love, that they are not alone, and thanking them for offering you the same assurance.  that because you have them and they have you, the world is not only bearable, but on some occasions, delightful.  in practice, however, it is a hectic day, a day in which the world hastens its pace. it's like lust on speed.  what am i going to get ______? what does he/she like? diamonds? flowers? crack? or worse: why don't i have a valentine? could i find a date for tonight in 3 hours? will we have sex?

it just makes me sad, that a day which once exemplified the sacredness of love, now only scoffs at it. of course there are those who recognize the holiday for what it is, but the fact that on the day of love so many mistake love for something gritty and material, is disappointing to say the least.

all that said, i had a pretty good valentine's day. i was blessed to hang out with some cool as shit girls whom i love love love. we laughed, talked, listened, enjoyed some cinematic brilliance. then i talked to kyle, the bf. which was good, but i wish he were here, or i were there, or i could just put everyone in my love burrito and keep them there forever. alas, i cannot...

the distance thing is weird, and it wears on my self confidence. i know that sounds strange, but when we hang out, everything is fine. there is something to be said of being in someone's presence. you know, being with someone. just hanging out is fun and, i don't know, comforting. but then the absence just makes me crazy. i question all kinds of ridiculous things about myself. does he really like me? am i funny? ohmigod, am i not funny? am i pretty? shit. i am weird looking. i fucking knew it. dammit, i am totally annoying this poor guy who somehow got stuck in this terrible situation with the unfunny, weird looking girl with big ass scary eyes. and then i have to talk myself down for like 30 minutes, and in my head, no less, because you can't tell people about this shit, they'll know you're crazy. plus i feel more at home in my head than most places. then, i will see him, and everything is alright; the questioning stops. well, sometimes i question my humor, but that's because i can say some fucked up shit.

so yesterday was weird in that respect; that i had to not let myself go to that place where i get all crazy-alexandria.  but the night went on, and at midnight, against my better judgment, i went out with meredith and kyle (not the bf). after the first shot of tequilla, i knew i was probably going to be facing a long night ahead. and i was right. i think we were awake until after 5, however, i don't remember anything passed about 2. we had five guys in the apartment, one of whom i know well, and three of whom i did not know at all. i sent out some ridiculous messages. apologies to the recipients of those.  i called my boyfriend and talked to his answering machine for awhile. who knows what i said... i can't think about that, however, or i will go to the crazy questions place. (fuck. what did i say? am i funny? he's so funny. and cute. and smart. dammit i'm retarded)

all in all, it was a good time. i have some kick ass friends. and lots of love. my dad called when we were pulling into ninfa's yesterday, and asked me what i was doing. i told him i was going to eat mexican food and drink beers with my buds. he said he was doing the same. we shared a level of affinity. it was nice. then my mom called today to wish me a belated happy valentine's day, she left a message saying she was proud i did not answer because she knew that meant i was in my 8 oclock workout class. what it actually meant is that i was asleep because i had gone to bed less than 3 hours before that and was still drunk as shit.

Currently Listening Yankee Hotel Foxtrot By Wilco see related

so after having complained about the lack of winter here in texas, i ventured outside, camera in hand, ready to take some pictures of nature. i was hoping that by doing so i would evoke some kind of response from my soul.  a happier state of mind, perhaps.

and my mood was instantly lightened from my previous state of  to one that was much more (content, i guess, and a little mischevious).  dear friends, what i found outside was beauty--a beautiful day, beautiful people, and nature's beauty in me, as i took it all in.  i came to realize that while, yes, we are too easily wooed by the call of the media and the influence of our tech-savvy society, it does not take much to allow ourselves to be romanced by the earth, the sun, a nature that is so much larger than our financial problems and self-obsessed population, bigger than our fears and our self-loathing, grander than sky-rocketting gas prices and the war in iraq, shit, even bigger than texas.

i watched the sunlight flirt with the leaves on a beautiful tree, and the responsory dance that then followed. and i fell in love.

and now, here i sit, laughing at the irony that i am attempting to capture a bit of nature's beauty and post it on a fucking blog.  i can really be ridiculous.

Currently Listening Parachutes By Coldplay see related

i crave winter.  here i sit, at the end of january, pining for cold. i long to be surrounded by frigid air, my nose and cheeks red in response to the biting wind, my eyes tearing up as they are confronted by winter's breath.

instead i am given a half-ass attempt at something not warm. it's like a lethargic summer around here. too tired to cook us all, it just kind of hangs out, keeping us lukewarm. which is the worst state in which to exist. fucking lukewarm.

i need some kind of extreme to pull me from my current condition. to awaken me from my slumber. it's too easy to succumb to the call of today's society and the media and live life as a robot, wasting our days getting and spending. only i have no money.

wake up. we are more than what we have become. we can't find ourselves in nature anymore. we can look at the sky in awe or revel in the majesty of an enormous tree, but we no longer relate to said majesty. and the truth is, we are all made of the same stuff. we are more like the sky or the tree than our televisions or a pair of shoes.

i want to see myself when i look at the earth, at the water, at the sky. i want to see real beauty. i want to know it. to relate to it. and not because i am dressed a particular way or spent time on my hair, but because i recognize that the same beauty that exists in that moment when the sun teases the leaves of a tree, and the light and the leaves do their little dance, enticing me to join them, that beauty also lives in me.

of course, this could just be my inner vegan on steroids...

Currently Listening Both Sides Now By Joni Mitchell see related

eaten alive...

i don't know what is wrong with me, but lately, it has been ridiculously easy for me to just be swallowed by insecurities. and ill-founded ones, for that matter. it's like at any given moment i am transformed from alexandria to self-doubt on two legs. it is strange. and almost unbearable.

we went to piano man last night, and at first i had planned on not drinking... but then, i forgot about those plans... not really i was just coerced by the man giving out free drink tickets. anyway, for some reason, (and this has happened once before), when i am around a shit ton of drunk people just running around touching each other, it is so easy to go to that dark place where i step back and critique humanity and the human condition. and it hits me that everyone is just so lonely. all of us are fucking alone. and then i am overcome by sadness for all of us, struggling to move around in the mix, hoping to bump into someone long enough to feel validated.

so, leaving piano man, the feeling stayed with me. and then of course i just become this ridiculous person who is sad and paranoid about my relationships with everyone. (poor meredith, who had to listen to me last night for nearly an hour freaking out about the dumbest things).

but really, relationships make you vulnerable. and, yeah, we all need them, can't avoid them, but the more you let people in, the more you are settng yourself up to get hurt. think about all the close friends you have... all those people whom you love love love with all of your heart. and then think what would happen to you if they decided to stop. i would fucking die; no shit, crawl under a rock and lie in the fetal position until starvation finally ate away whatever remained of my broken-hearted being. if for whatever reason jordan, meredith, jey, lauren, megan, kiersten decided that i was annoying with all of my over-analyses, and that i was ridiculous, and that they were through with me, i would literally just break.

and i know it is crazy to think about your friends doing something like that, because, they just are not going to, but just think about what would happen to you if they did. or if they were all at a party and you could not go because you had to work, and someone blew up the place and they all died. holy fuck. i would go insane. and i know it goes without stating that we are all affected beings, and yeah, we need relationships, and yeah they can hurt us, but, man, can you imagine that kind of pain? death would be better.

yes, these are the thoughts that go through my mind when i am at a bar full of happy drunk people singing along with a man on a piano.  i think lately i am just feeling particularly vulnerable, is all. it's really hard to let people in, you know? and it is horrifying. absolutely fucking terrifying. because they can just totally fuck you up. like rip out your heart and stomp it into little bloody pieces.

*deep exhale... i am pretty sure this nutso paranoia is just in response to what i have seen my parents do to each other, and i have never really been in a situation in which i have ever considered letting someone get, you know, close at all in the whole "boyfriend" arena, not without just absolutely freaking out about the whole thing and running away from it... and i feel like i am at this horribly frightening crossroads at which i can either just pull an alexandria and say fuck it, or let whatever it is just continue its course, even if that means being completely hurt in the end. and the latter freaks me out. but i am just going to have to suck it up. it's probably time i grew some freaking balls, right?

vulnerability is a bitch.